I'm going to my GP this afternoon. When I made the appointment several weeks ago I wanted a routine physical to make sure my heart was healthy, blood values were okay, and so on. I was worried that the amount of stress I was under, coupled with my Dad's family history of widespread cardiovascular disease, would make me a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen.
This past week I've realized that not only do I need that assessment, but that I've probably slid into clinical depression. I've had it in the past twice before (about 10 and 20 years ago, respectively) and recognize the signs in myself:
- The clearest sign is having to force myself to eat. I ordinarily have too much of an appetite!
- Other signs include frequent crying, feeling like everything is a herculean effort, and a weird hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Check, check, and check.
I feel guilty because for crap's sake, I'm getting MARRIED on Saturday! I should be on top of the world! While I'm looking forward to it and happy (as much as I can be, anyway) about it, in the rest of my life I feel like I'm drowning. I am working very hard at finding a new job, which is the biggest issue, but can't do much about my sister bailing on the wedding and my grandpa being in hospice.
So I'll be asking my GP for a referral to a therapist and some SSRIs because try as I have for the past few months to keep myself afloat, I need a little extra help right now.
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